What to do in a desperate situation.

Set the scene: It's 2012. Today. The east coast is being ravaged by a Hurricane with the ridiculously un-menacing name of "Sandy" and you are sitting there staring at your phone waiting for your significant other to text you, and when they do it just says "yeah"--No smiley face, no excitement, you didn't even get punctuation for cripes sake. If you're a girl, you're probably like "OMG he hates me he likes someone else I bet she's prettier than me!!! :(:(:(:(" and if you're a dude, you're probably not reading this. and if you are you're probably like "thanks bitch, I was trying to have a conversation." Here's what I say. Turn your freakin phone off. Put it in like the microwave or something because you don't need that shit. Now grab a beverage and read my list of

 Things you can do instead of worrying about your boyfriend/girlfriend who you probably don't even like anyways

1. Finish your beverage. You'll feel so much better.

2. Turn on "American Pie" and take a shower. Ask my roommate Colleen, it is hands down the best song to listen to in the shower and I swear to you, if you belt it out like you just learned how to sing like Adele, you will step out of that steamy wet heaven feeling like the champion you are.

3. Go to the gym. Once you break up with that boring specimen you'll need to be hot enough to get a hotter more fun jealousy-inducing specimen and that's not gonna happen by sitting around waiting for boring ass text messages. Make a kick ass playlist, do a billion sit ups, but wait til you get home to flex in the mirror.

4. Get a free month of Netflix and watch that show you've been planning on catching up on. Chances are you'll find a TV crush and you can live vicariously through your Netflix account for the next 4 weeks. After that you'll be pretty sure you can perform brain surgery and fight vampires and fall in love with the hottie next door all at the same time and then you won't need that piece of crap anyways. 

5. Learn how to cook. Nothing is sexier than a guy OR a girl who can cook. Everyone loves to eat food. Unless your not-so-better half is annorexic, you can't lose. 

6. Absolutely ANYTHING else. You shouldn't be with anyone who makes you anything less than happy. Go rock climbing or to the pet store or write a blog if it makes you happy! 

Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness. See you next Monday!